I just got off the phone with my cousin. The call left me feeling pensive, tense, and hollow. Tomorrow, he’ll have to go to court to face an assault charge. We have no idea what the outcome could be for him.
All I could do when getting off the phone with him after about an hour-long conversation was tell him to try to keep his head about him when he goes in tomorrow. I told him that I’d call him by the afternoon to see if he was available. If he wasn’t, I’d know why, and I’d have to make other calls to be certain I understood the situation. Aside from that, all I can do is hope and pray. I was sure to say “…make sure you pick up or call back, Cuz. Try not to leave me hanging for too long.” The last thing I want to do is have to make those calls to his mom or my mom, should he not answer.
You may be wondering why I’d be so worried about what may happen tomorrow if my cousin didn’t assault anyone; right? Or you may be thinking, well, did your cousin assault somebody? Well, anyone who knows me knows I’d never make any comments about specifics that I know in writing, but I do know a lot about the situation my cousin’s faced that led to this; the things he’s encountered. I know that had I been in his position, I could be facing the very same charge right now.
So, now that the conversation’s ended, what’s a person like me to do with this? I can only sit with these thoughts. Part of my mind is occupied with concern for my cousin, and the impact this could have on his life; how it’ll affect his livelihood. All the concerns about his loved ones run through my mind; how it’ll affect his mother, his son, my mother, and others who are close and who care. This dude is like a brother to me, when something happens to him, I’m also affected. He could lose time out of his still-young life over this situation. Time that could be spent actually pursuing opportunities and being productive toward his own betterment, or toward the enrichment of his family. Time in is time lost.
Part of me also dwells on the “it could’ve been me” aspect. My cousin doesn’t deserve to be in this situation. I grew up there, where this now years long turmoil has taken place, just like he did, but unlike him, I left. We grew up two houses apart. Had I not moved away, I could be facing the very same charges right now. I don’t know that I could’ve changed anything about the circumstances he faced, and I don’t know that I would’ve taken any different actions.
Part of me, to be honest, is fearful. Just like my cousin, I’d have a lot to lose if I were to be convicted of a crime. Even accusations and charges are a disruption to your life and the reputational hits are sometimes irreparable. I have three kids, a wife, a rather decent job, and a house in the suburbs. So, I fear that I haven’t gotten far enough away. Far enough away from the potential circumstances that create the type of situation my cousin’s having to face; circumstances that could threaten to affect my level of involvement with and compromise my level of influence over the people and things I hold dear. What if the disturbance or threat to all of that finds me right where I am? What from my past could come back to haunt me? Whom have I wronged? The world is much smaller these days, and almost anything can happen almost anywhere. The chances of one finding themselves in a compromising position can decrease and increase due to location, but ultimately, one can find themselves in a compromising position in almost any location.
Yet here I sit, somewhat feeling unscathed, yet still feeling my person weighed down by these burdens and concerns that are occupying such a large piece of my mind. As I mentioned before, neither my cousin nor myself were perfect growing up, or as younger men. We made it to this point, though. We’re both forty and over, both just still trying to make it out; though from the outside looking in, many would probably say that we have already.
So why is he going through this and not me? How can I enjoy anything in this life that my wife and I have created for ourselves and our family if he, my little brother in a sense, is dealing with this unwarranted turmoil? I want to do something about it but feel leveraged by the possibility of having the same charges brought against me, or worse, should I involve myself. What does that say about me? I can tell you how it makes me feel; like a coward. I know in my head that inserting myself into the situation that’s causing the turmoil wouldn’t be the smartest thing to do. I need to be here for my wife and kids, but the wise decision makes me feel weak and feeble within. I’m not taking up for my cousin, and he’s family too.
Both he and I have spent the better part of forty or more years trying to get to this point. Trying to stay alive and out of jail can feel like constantly trying to dodge the bullet that could take you out, or off the board. Will my cousin and I ever be able to live past these threats to our progress and opportunities to better ourselves? Neither of us thought we’d still have to be preoccupied with these thoughts and concerns if we ever made it to this age; yet there he is situated. While he’s there, why do I deserve to sit here?
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